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There are lifelong benefits to biological children when families foster or adopt. Welcoming a new child helps biological kids develop empathy, patience, resilience, and compassion. Living with children who have experienced trauma and family separation can also provide kids with a deeper appreciation for their own family and stability. But what do you do when your biological child begins to dislike or resent their new sibling?
“Did mom expect that I’d be happy that everything revolves around my sister’s meltdowns and therapy? Do you know how many times we had to cancel plans because she was out of control?” ~Angela, age 15
Below are tips for when your biological child is struggling:
- Listen to understand. Make sure your child knows it is safe to share how they feel. Validate those feelings, then ask for their ideas on what could help.
- Understand the roots of the conflict. Your child is likely responding to the loss of your attention, major changes in routines, and jealousy. Explore ways to mitigate that.
- Carve out regular one-on-one time to provide reassurance.
- Help them communicate their feelings to one another. Family meetings are a great way to explore feelings and collectively set expectations for behavior. (e.g., “I know you get upset when X happens. What is a better way to express that?”)
- Cultivate empathy. Explain, in an age-appropriate way, that the new sibling has been through difficult and challenging experiences and needs extra patience.
- Identify activities the whole family can enjoy together. Take advantage of these opportunities for bonding and family fun.
- Laugh together. One family reports that they use “flarp” (farting noise putty) to defuse situations when they begin to escalate.
No family is conflict-free. But with awareness, understanding, and communication (and a bit of flarp), families can turn conflict into connection.
Resources
From the Resource Library
- Welcoming a New Brother or Sister through Adoption, by Arletta James