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When we’re caring for kids who’ve experienced trauma, we sometimes make decisions that other parents and caregivers may not fully understand. There are so many things we take into consideration—like whether the trauma the child experienced has created a gap between their chronological age and their emotional age.
Children who’ve experienced trauma may not develop emotionally at the same pace as their peers, and that means we may need to make different decisions than others may make for their children.
- Maybe a teenager receives a doll as a gift rather than a new outfit because you know the teen in your care needs some time to be a child.
- Maybe the consequence a teacher expects you to enforce isn’t the right fit, because this child needs emotional coaching more than punishment.
- Maybe other kids the same age are becoming independent, while the child in your home still needs you close for reassurance and comfort.
All of this is okay.
Knowing the child in your care helps you understand what they need most. And no matter their emotional or chronological age, every child who’s experienced adversity needs three things from their caregiver.
3 Things Every Child Needs
Consistency
Even when things appear safe to you, the child in your care may still not feel safe. You can help by:
- Noticing what situations or transitions make them anxious and planning ahead to reduce those stressors.
- Offering choices when possible so they feel a sense of control.
- Letting them know what’s coming next—routines and predictability help build trust and can reduce feelings of anxiousness.
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Remember: safety isn’t just about locks and seatbelts—it’s about consistency and connection.
Connection
The child in your care needs to know you’re there—not just physically, but emotionally. You can show this by:
- Making time to listen, even when their emotions come out as behaviors.
- Naming emotions for them (“It seems like you’re feeling sad or frustrated”) to help them connect words to feelings.
- Reminding them that emotions are okay and you’ll help them figure out what to do with them.
Your steady presence tells them, “You’re not too much for me. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
Regulation
Kids learn how to calm down by watching how we handle big emotions. You can model calm by:
- Taking a deep breath (out loud) before responding.
- Using a calm voice even when things get heated.
- Talking through what you do to settle yourself: “I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths before we keep talking.”
When kids see you manage your emotions, they learn that feelings don’t have to take over—you can move through them and come back to calm together.
Parenting a child who’s experienced trauma can feel like learning a whole new language. There will be moments that stretch you and moments that surprise you. But as you keep showing up with understanding, flexibility, and love, you’re giving the child in your family something far more important than perfection—you’re giving them a healthy and safe space for healing.