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Disagreement over adoption day anniversary celebrations has persisted for decades. Critics highlight the insensitivity of celebrating the child’s profound loss (as well as that of the birth family). Supporters argue that adoption anniversary celebrations help the child feel security, belonging, and connection with their family.
Adoptees have shared varied perspectives on these celebrations:
- “I was in nine different foster homes in four years. My adoption anniversary is a reminder I’ll never go through that again. So, yeah, we celebrate.”
- “Celebrating adoption is like celebrating a lung transplant. Others had to be totally devastated for you to be happy.”
- “I wouldn’t be who I am if I hadn’t been adopted. I like who I am, and I like to celebrate it.”
- “It’s a reminder of all I lost being adopted. My country, my culture, my family … pieces of me that were stripped away before I grew into them. I love my adoptive family. But I don’t love a reminder of the pain and loss.”
Feelings around adoption day anniversaries are as diverse as each individual adoptee’s experience. Every adoption is different, and every adoptee may experience their adoption—and adoption day anniversaries—in their own way. Even siblings who share the same adoption story may have very different feelings, needs, and wishes about celebrating the day.
Ultimately, the decision of whether and how to recognize an adoption day anniversary should center on the adoptee’s wishes. Talk with your child and give them space to share how they feel. Acknowledge and validate their feelings without expecting them to feel a certain way about the day.
Your child may have painful, joyful, conflicted, or changing feelings about adoption celebrations. Their feelings may also change from year to year. Offering your support, understanding, and willingness to follow their lead can help strengthen your connection and communicate that all of their feelings are welcome.